Greetings. It is 11:15pm on Sunday, November 17th. Exactly six months and two days ago I quit my job. In exactly ten hours my unemployment comes to an end, along with my fun. So as you read this in your cubicle on Monday morning, you can all have the satisfaction knowing that I am doing the same.
With this new job thing going on, my life will have to change dramatically. I now have to spend 8 hours of every day (that is one third of the day) in one building working for the man. So I have to make some adjustments.
After my training I will have to begin working at 8 a.m., and I will have to wake up around 6:30 or so. I am not even sure if 6:30 a.m. actually exists. I have absolutely no way to prove that 6:30 or even 8 exists because I have not seen it in 6 months. This means I need to plug in my dust-covered alarm clock that was used 4 times in the last half year (trip to san diego, trip to europe, job interview, court).
I also cannot get drunk on sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, or thursday. In addition, I cannot get drunk on any of those nights without consequences.
I can't sit around in my boxers until 3pm.
I can't watch 2 movies in a row at the theater at noon on tuesday.
I can't drive to missouri to meet yakov smirnoff on a whim.
I can't walk to my mom's house on a friday at 11am.
I will have to actually leave the ghetto.
OK, I could go on for hours but I will not.
Anyways, I am having a "Coming out of retirement party" for myself on Saturday night, December 7th. Since you are reading this, that means you are invited. Also bring your friends because it is an old school house party. We will provide plenty of liquor for those of you who are drunks. The official entertainment is TBA. Details will come when available.
In other news, I visited Oshkosh this weekend. Unfortunately I didn't see the villain, but I did get to see my little brother turn 21. It was bittersweet. On the one hand i am happy for him, but on the other hand, I am very old now when my little brother--whose birth I can remember-- will potentially be at the same bars as me. It was a fun night, and we even tricked a few girls into thinking I was Steve's father.
Well, it is time for me to get to bed, I have to work tomorrow.
Dave
Sunday, November 17, 2002
Friday, November 8, 2002
russians
So there I was. Tuesday afternoon, I met with the furnace guys and they fixed the furnaces, I picked up some rent, and went home. Realizing that my vacation's end is imminent, and that I had nothing to do that night. I decided to drive to Branson, Missouri with my roommate to go see Yakov Smirnoff.
We left at 6pm. We took the Jeep and at about 2am we slept in a rest area for a few hours and by 9am we were at the Yakov Smirnoff Theater. Yes, he has his own theater, it is disgusting. Yes, the same Russian comedian you remember as the taxi cab driver from "Brewster's Millions" and from Night Court owns a huge theater. The show was fantastically horrible, and besides my roommate and I, there was, literally, only one other person in the crowd of 1500 (sold out) that was under 60 years of age. Yakov shined as he got the old folks rolling in the aisles and pissing their pants. He even had them crying at the end with some bullshit sad sack poor immigrant, nice americans Christmas story. Yakov, who generally does 2 shows a day, had the nerve to choke up and cry himself telling this god awful story.
So now the nearly 4 hour show (including intermission) is finished and Yakov announced he would sign autographs. Amazingly, the 1497 senior citizens were not interested in this, so once they were herded out the doors and into their buses, we got right up to the great man. After waiting for about 8 people to finish, we got our shot. I asked him to sign it "To Dave...." and he just gave me a blank, angry stare. So I then said "Brewster's Millions Rules!" Again I got the same look, but he signed it "To Dave....Yakov" anyways, then I had the photo taken that I have attached for your enjoyment.
Later we had the old time photos taken, took a nap at our hotel, ate a big buffet for five bucks, ate a big steak dinner, drank some Jack Daniels, sang karaoke (including Bust a Move in the country music-dominated shitty townie bar), and hung out with a bunch of women we just met while karaoking. We enjoyed some late night Denny's, then we crashed. So Thursday morning we take off and get back at 10:30 pm. Overall a great roadtrip.
I am officially starting work on Monday the 18th, so if anyone has any cool ideas of things to do this next week let me know. Or just take a day off and we can go to see Yakov again. Next saturday I am going to visit my old stomping grounds in Oshkosh to get drunk, see some old friends, and beat up some old girlfriends. If you want to come along let me know.
So long.
dave
Monday, November 4, 2002
false alarm
Hey gays. Remember how I was going to start my new job today (Monday)? Well, right now I am at home in my boxers typing to you at my computer with music cranked, unshowered, and I have not even left my house yet, and I have already eaten 2 meals. So I guess I don't have a job yet. Instead I have at least one more glorious week of vacation. Supposedly I will know when and if I start on Thursday.
In other news, my luck continues. Wednesday night I was playing basketball like usual. After 2 hours of nonstop ball, a few people left. There were only 4 of us left, and rather than leave, as I felt like doing, I stayed for a bit of 2 on 2. We played. The score was 1 to 1. I jumped up for a rebound, and instead of landing flat on my feet, I decided to land on the side of my ankle. The last thing anyone heard before my screaming, was an interesting snapping noise. My guess is that it was one or 2 ligaments in my ankle. So after pounding my fist into the floor a few times and squirming around like a fish out of water, I limped home to find a sprained ankle swelling the size of a baseball. My luck continues. Also women suck worse than last week.
In regards to last week's unpopular email I sent out about the war on Iraq and the evil American ex-soldiers, I got a few good replies from you guys. Here are two of my favorites:
John Gilewski wrote.... "Just think though, military person #4 (this was the bitch that stole my girlfriend) probably saved you from a lifetime of misery, and pain!!!!!! "
Mark Mauer wrote.... "Hey Dave, just read an article about a nursing student who killed 4 people and himself at the university of arizona over the weekend. and guess what, he's a gulf war vet. i think this lends further credence to your assertion that all u.s. soldiers, current and former, are assholes. maybe you do a thesis on this subject, and see how true it is, and write a book about this phenomenon.
I think I will now leave the house and enjoy some daylight while I can.
Enjoy your day.
dg
In other news, my luck continues. Wednesday night I was playing basketball like usual. After 2 hours of nonstop ball, a few people left. There were only 4 of us left, and rather than leave, as I felt like doing, I stayed for a bit of 2 on 2. We played. The score was 1 to 1. I jumped up for a rebound, and instead of landing flat on my feet, I decided to land on the side of my ankle. The last thing anyone heard before my screaming, was an interesting snapping noise. My guess is that it was one or 2 ligaments in my ankle. So after pounding my fist into the floor a few times and squirming around like a fish out of water, I limped home to find a sprained ankle swelling the size of a baseball. My luck continues. Also women suck worse than last week.
In regards to last week's unpopular email I sent out about the war on Iraq and the evil American ex-soldiers, I got a few good replies from you guys. Here are two of my favorites:
John Gilewski wrote.... "Just think though, military person #4 (this was the bitch that stole my girlfriend) probably saved you from a lifetime of misery, and pain!!!!!! "
Mark Mauer wrote.... "Hey Dave, just read an article about a nursing student who killed 4 people and himself at the university of arizona over the weekend. and guess what, he's a gulf war vet. i think this lends further credence to your assertion that all u.s. soldiers, current and former, are assholes. maybe you do a thesis on this subject, and see how true it is, and write a book about this phenomenon.
I think I will now leave the house and enjoy some daylight while I can.
Enjoy your day.
dg
Friday, October 25, 2002
IRAQ
Hey Gays.
I know I am usually pretty positive with my emails, especially lately, but today's message may offend a few of you. I apologize in advance.
I think we should go in Iraq and send all of our troops--Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Every last one of them should go to Iraq, with the exception of my brother Stephen, who is in the reserves.
Why, you might ask?
Here's why. Every soldier we have (with the exception of Steve and your loved ones) are evil. If we send them to Iraq, there is a chance that Sadaam and his pals might kill a bunch of them. No, I am not looking for a victory against Iraq, I am simply hoping for huge huge American soldier casualties.
Now, the soldiers might be noble and good while enlisted, but once they get out, the evil shows up. By killing them all now, we can prevent the evil from taking over.
If you disagree with me, these four items will change your mind.
1. The Washington DC sniper used to be in one of the branches of the military. He is evil.
2. Timothy McVeigh was in the army in the Gulf War. Remember him? He is (was) evil.
3. The muthafucka that robbed my home, taking the DVD player, camcorder, and all my movies, as well as stealing a maggotless fridge and stove from me, is also a veteran. Navy I think. He is very evil.
4. I used to know this girl that I thought I was in love with and was thinkin about marrying. Well, she was stolen by an ex-marine who is 31 years old, divorced, dumb, a sophomore in college that lives in a dorm. He is the most evil of all.
If any of these 4 men had been killed in action, there would be fewer good people killed, fewer people scared, fewer unhappy and broke people, and one fewer broken heart.
So join with me in my support for a big war. I know somewhere down the line, or in the past, you will get screwed too.
dave
I know I am usually pretty positive with my emails, especially lately, but today's message may offend a few of you. I apologize in advance.
I think we should go in Iraq and send all of our troops--Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Every last one of them should go to Iraq, with the exception of my brother Stephen, who is in the reserves.
Why, you might ask?
Here's why. Every soldier we have (with the exception of Steve and your loved ones) are evil. If we send them to Iraq, there is a chance that Sadaam and his pals might kill a bunch of them. No, I am not looking for a victory against Iraq, I am simply hoping for huge huge American soldier casualties.
Now, the soldiers might be noble and good while enlisted, but once they get out, the evil shows up. By killing them all now, we can prevent the evil from taking over.
If you disagree with me, these four items will change your mind.
1. The Washington DC sniper used to be in one of the branches of the military. He is evil.
2. Timothy McVeigh was in the army in the Gulf War. Remember him? He is (was) evil.
3. The muthafucka that robbed my home, taking the DVD player, camcorder, and all my movies, as well as stealing a maggotless fridge and stove from me, is also a veteran. Navy I think. He is very evil.
4. I used to know this girl that I thought I was in love with and was thinkin about marrying. Well, she was stolen by an ex-marine who is 31 years old, divorced, dumb, a sophomore in college that lives in a dorm. He is the most evil of all.
If any of these 4 men had been killed in action, there would be fewer good people killed, fewer people scared, fewer unhappy and broke people, and one fewer broken heart.
So join with me in my support for a big war. I know somewhere down the line, or in the past, you will get screwed too.
dave
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
the time is near
Hey kids, I know it has been a while since I last talked to you all, but there has been a lot going on. Actually, a lot of bad shit has been going on in my life, and I think I'll share some of this with you, if only to make your day brighter.
Basically, bad luck has been kicking my ass lately. I must have done myself in by going to Europe or something, because this string of bad luck is unprecedented in my 26 years on this Earth. So here is a list of my bad luck lately--enjoy.
1. Burglary #1 -- I think I already told you this one, when I returned from Europe, I found out that some villain took my camcorder, my dvd collection, and my dvd player. That sucked.
2. Burglary #2 -- Some of you might have heard of this one. You remember my maggot filled refrigerator in one of my properties? Well, it turns out that my old tenant that I evicted there was upset that I never returned his security deposit (even though he owed 2 months rent) and in broad daylight snuck into the house and removed the fridge and stove, both brand new appliances, and the fridge sparkling clean.
3. Burglary #3 -- This one happened last night. I took out a fridge and stove from another property (luckily these were not new) to work on them. They were on the side of the house. I went there yesterday afternoon to get to work and somebody had taken them. This incident merely made me chuckle.
4. Car Issue #1 -- Muffler and tailpipe fell off my Jeep. So I had to replace, not too bad, but it nearly prevented me from seeing a movie.
5. Plumbing Issue #1 -- The shower drain and the upstairs sink drain were completely clogged, not a drop went down. This went on for a week, so I had to shower at the gym, my parents' house or one of my properties.
6. Plumbing Issue #2 -- I had a plumber come to my house. The plumber was nearly done with replacing the pipe from underneath the bathroom (in the kitchen ceiling) when he accidentally cut a hole in the water pipe. In about 5 seconds I already had 2 inches of water in the kitchen, and water was bursting everywhere like a fire hydrant. To top it off, I was charged for the 4 extra hours it took him to fix the mishap, plus parts.
7. Mary Johnson's Furnace -- This damn thing has a mind of its own. So does Mary. I got an earful on more than one occasion to fix her heat. One day I was next door fixing a door at Debra's house, and after Mary got done reaming me out, some man I never saw before--balding, toothless, 60 years old, startes "hollering" at me in some type of toothless babble I couldn't understand. I think he said something about heat.
8. I am broke. I had to pay two of my mortgages with credit card checks.
9. Women are dumb and mean lately.
10. I have a job. This is the worst luck of all. I begin work on November 4th. I will have a cubicle in a big office and my retirement will end just short of six months.
I know there has been other bad luck items, but many of them I have tried to forget in order to make myself feel better. I have not given up hope yet, yesterday was a sign that things are going to get better--the new Rocket From the Crypt album came out, and it rocks.
By the way, if any of you are on AOL instant messenger, my name there is bluemanity1, and you should drop me a line.
Well, time to go enjoy my final moments of freedom.
d
Basically, bad luck has been kicking my ass lately. I must have done myself in by going to Europe or something, because this string of bad luck is unprecedented in my 26 years on this Earth. So here is a list of my bad luck lately--enjoy.
1. Burglary #1 -- I think I already told you this one, when I returned from Europe, I found out that some villain took my camcorder, my dvd collection, and my dvd player. That sucked.
2. Burglary #2 -- Some of you might have heard of this one. You remember my maggot filled refrigerator in one of my properties? Well, it turns out that my old tenant that I evicted there was upset that I never returned his security deposit (even though he owed 2 months rent) and in broad daylight snuck into the house and removed the fridge and stove, both brand new appliances, and the fridge sparkling clean.
3. Burglary #3 -- This one happened last night. I took out a fridge and stove from another property (luckily these were not new) to work on them. They were on the side of the house. I went there yesterday afternoon to get to work and somebody had taken them. This incident merely made me chuckle.
4. Car Issue #1 -- Muffler and tailpipe fell off my Jeep. So I had to replace, not too bad, but it nearly prevented me from seeing a movie.
5. Plumbing Issue #1 -- The shower drain and the upstairs sink drain were completely clogged, not a drop went down. This went on for a week, so I had to shower at the gym, my parents' house or one of my properties.
6. Plumbing Issue #2 -- I had a plumber come to my house. The plumber was nearly done with replacing the pipe from underneath the bathroom (in the kitchen ceiling) when he accidentally cut a hole in the water pipe. In about 5 seconds I already had 2 inches of water in the kitchen, and water was bursting everywhere like a fire hydrant. To top it off, I was charged for the 4 extra hours it took him to fix the mishap, plus parts.
7. Mary Johnson's Furnace -- This damn thing has a mind of its own. So does Mary. I got an earful on more than one occasion to fix her heat. One day I was next door fixing a door at Debra's house, and after Mary got done reaming me out, some man I never saw before--balding, toothless, 60 years old, startes "hollering" at me in some type of toothless babble I couldn't understand. I think he said something about heat.
8. I am broke. I had to pay two of my mortgages with credit card checks.
9. Women are dumb and mean lately.
10. I have a job. This is the worst luck of all. I begin work on November 4th. I will have a cubicle in a big office and my retirement will end just short of six months.
I know there has been other bad luck items, but many of them I have tried to forget in order to make myself feel better. I have not given up hope yet, yesterday was a sign that things are going to get better--the new Rocket From the Crypt album came out, and it rocks.
By the way, if any of you are on AOL instant messenger, my name there is bluemanity1, and you should drop me a line.
Well, time to go enjoy my final moments of freedom.
d
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
Sad days are coming....
Hey Gys!
I hope you are all doing well, as I am, kind of. You may have heard the rumors, and yes, they are mostly true. I am going to have to get a job. Soon. I am currently the brokest I have been in my life. When I returned from my trip I had $150 to my name. I spent way too much overseas. With winter coming I have to replace 2 furnaces, possibly a third, I need a new refrigerator in one property, I have to pay for code violations, I also forgot I have to pay for 2 inspections of properties, not to mention credit card debt and other random debts. I am in poor financial shape.
So my only legal option is to get a job. One that pays more than unemployment does. So I already have one lined up and I will probably start in mid-November. Perhaps I should throw a fund raising party and call it my "coming out of retirement party."
So I got back from my trip and realized I had to rent out the upper level of one of my duplexes. I had evicted the tenants at the end of August, so when I returned from Europe on the 19th of September I decided to go check out the place before I began showing it. I had a guy coming over to look at the place at 3, and it was 1:30 when I got there. Everything looked just dandy. There were a bunch of plants in the house, and a bed with some crap on it, but nothing major. So I walk to the kitchen, and here I see that both of the new appliances I purchased a year ago are still there, not even a magnet left on the fridge. I go to open the fridge to let some air in it, and to my surprise it wasn't empty.
Not only was it not empty, it was entirely full. You had your usual 12 bottles of condiments, jellies, syrup,etc. In addition, I found opened cans of half eaten soup, a few plates of leftovers with foil cover the plates and various other foods including garlic cloves. Oh yeah, and the entire fridge was absolutely covered--every square millimeter--with dead and undead crusted or wiggling white maggots --Literally everywhere. Also included in the fridge was an insanely rancid smell that nearly caused me to vomit, and seemingly thousands of flying insects that might have been fruit flies.
Then I opened the freezer above. I found out that my old evicted tenants must have been fishermen, because there were 2 bags of self-filleted fish rotting in there. This led to a blackish-brown ooze everywhere, along with the usual maggots and flies. They kindly left the ice trays in the freezer too. Only in this freezer, the trays were filled with maggots, not ice.
So I had an hour and a half to clean up this nasty shit before the potential tenant came. I started busting my ass using gallons of bleach, gloves and the sheets from the bed that the old tenants left. I had to call the guy and tell him to make it 3:30 because it took me over 2 hours to finish. I had to pull apart every part of the entire unit. Even inside the fan in the back of the freezer there were crusty maggots.By the time he showed up, it was all good.
Enjoy your lunch!
--Dave
I hope you are all doing well, as I am, kind of. You may have heard the rumors, and yes, they are mostly true. I am going to have to get a job. Soon. I am currently the brokest I have been in my life. When I returned from my trip I had $150 to my name. I spent way too much overseas. With winter coming I have to replace 2 furnaces, possibly a third, I need a new refrigerator in one property, I have to pay for code violations, I also forgot I have to pay for 2 inspections of properties, not to mention credit card debt and other random debts. I am in poor financial shape.
So my only legal option is to get a job. One that pays more than unemployment does. So I already have one lined up and I will probably start in mid-November. Perhaps I should throw a fund raising party and call it my "coming out of retirement party."
So I got back from my trip and realized I had to rent out the upper level of one of my duplexes. I had evicted the tenants at the end of August, so when I returned from Europe on the 19th of September I decided to go check out the place before I began showing it. I had a guy coming over to look at the place at 3, and it was 1:30 when I got there. Everything looked just dandy. There were a bunch of plants in the house, and a bed with some crap on it, but nothing major. So I walk to the kitchen, and here I see that both of the new appliances I purchased a year ago are still there, not even a magnet left on the fridge. I go to open the fridge to let some air in it, and to my surprise it wasn't empty.
Not only was it not empty, it was entirely full. You had your usual 12 bottles of condiments, jellies, syrup,etc. In addition, I found opened cans of half eaten soup, a few plates of leftovers with foil cover the plates and various other foods including garlic cloves. Oh yeah, and the entire fridge was absolutely covered--every square millimeter--with dead and undead crusted or wiggling white maggots --Literally everywhere. Also included in the fridge was an insanely rancid smell that nearly caused me to vomit, and seemingly thousands of flying insects that might have been fruit flies.
Then I opened the freezer above. I found out that my old evicted tenants must have been fishermen, because there were 2 bags of self-filleted fish rotting in there. This led to a blackish-brown ooze everywhere, along with the usual maggots and flies. They kindly left the ice trays in the freezer too. Only in this freezer, the trays were filled with maggots, not ice.
So I had an hour and a half to clean up this nasty shit before the potential tenant came. I started busting my ass using gallons of bleach, gloves and the sheets from the bed that the old tenants left. I had to call the guy and tell him to make it 3:30 because it took me over 2 hours to finish. I had to pull apart every part of the entire unit. Even inside the fan in the back of the freezer there were crusty maggots.By the time he showed up, it was all good.
Enjoy your lunch!
--Dave
Monday, September 23, 2002
I am back
What up rods?
As unfortunate as it is, I am back safe and sound in the usa. Not much has changed since I've been gone, except the weather is much colder and I no longer have a DVD player, DVDs or a camcorder. Yes, I was burglarized while I was gone by some assholes. BY THE WAY, JOHN AND STEVE DO NOT TELL MOM BECAUSE SHE WILL FLIP. These theives escaped with my entire DVD collection, most of which were gifts, including the Planet of the Apes 6 disc collection given to me by my dear brother John. DVD donations are now being accepted.
Thank you for your support in getting me back from the airport. The best souvenir happened to be a Fidel Castro punching puppet. Since the person who picked me up was not on this email list, the souvenir went to my roommate for driving me to the airport. Sorry kids.
Since I never got around to emailing you full updates from europe, I think I will share a memory or two every now and then. Like this one, for example. While in Zurich, Switzerland, on Sunday night, we were looking for a bar with the Packer Game. We found a bar with the 3:00 game showing, but needed to find the noon game (Packers). So we inquired at the bar and found a bunch of other Americans seeking the same game. So about 8 of us hiked a few blocks away to find a particular bar. Upon locating it, we realized they were only showing the same game. So most of the group left, leaving just Me, Myron and a 35 year old pilot from Wyoming.
He bought us both a beer and we had a seat. When I learned our single serving friend was a pilot, I naturally had many questions. My first was "OK, just tell me the honest truth--how hard is it, really, to fly a plane?" To this he replied, after a brief pause "...........It is totally fucking easy man. It is so fucking easy. It is harder to drive a car than it is to fly a plane. Oh my god is it easy." We then got him to admit that often times the pilots will be reading the newspaper in the cockpit, with the pages spread out so none of them can see anything but newsprint. In addition he finds the new bars on the cockpit helpful because it keeps out terrorists and those pesky flight attendants as well.
So relax next time you are on a plane, because the pilots have it under control as they read their porn.
Have fun at work, and watch out, because I might be joining you in a few weeks.
dave
As unfortunate as it is, I am back safe and sound in the usa. Not much has changed since I've been gone, except the weather is much colder and I no longer have a DVD player, DVDs or a camcorder. Yes, I was burglarized while I was gone by some assholes. BY THE WAY, JOHN AND STEVE DO NOT TELL MOM BECAUSE SHE WILL FLIP. These theives escaped with my entire DVD collection, most of which were gifts, including the Planet of the Apes 6 disc collection given to me by my dear brother John. DVD donations are now being accepted.
Thank you for your support in getting me back from the airport. The best souvenir happened to be a Fidel Castro punching puppet. Since the person who picked me up was not on this email list, the souvenir went to my roommate for driving me to the airport. Sorry kids.
Since I never got around to emailing you full updates from europe, I think I will share a memory or two every now and then. Like this one, for example. While in Zurich, Switzerland, on Sunday night, we were looking for a bar with the Packer Game. We found a bar with the 3:00 game showing, but needed to find the noon game (Packers). So we inquired at the bar and found a bunch of other Americans seeking the same game. So about 8 of us hiked a few blocks away to find a particular bar. Upon locating it, we realized they were only showing the same game. So most of the group left, leaving just Me, Myron and a 35 year old pilot from Wyoming.
He bought us both a beer and we had a seat. When I learned our single serving friend was a pilot, I naturally had many questions. My first was "OK, just tell me the honest truth--how hard is it, really, to fly a plane?" To this he replied, after a brief pause "...........It is totally fucking easy man. It is so fucking easy. It is harder to drive a car than it is to fly a plane. Oh my god is it easy." We then got him to admit that often times the pilots will be reading the newspaper in the cockpit, with the pages spread out so none of them can see anything but newsprint. In addition he finds the new bars on the cockpit helpful because it keeps out terrorists and those pesky flight attendants as well.
So relax next time you are on a plane, because the pilots have it under control as they read their porn.
Have fun at work, and watch out, because I might be joining you in a few weeks.
dave
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
mama i'm coming home........
Hey pals, I am in Cologne, Germany tonight. It is 10:30pm on Tuesday night and i am here drinking a $1.50 kolsch beer and typing you a message. This town is pretty cool, it is unfortunate that we are leaving tomorrow morning. We are taking a train to Amsterdam, spending one last night there, then flying to london then back home.
This brings up my next point---getting home. I am flying into O'hare and I land there at 7:39 pm on thursday night. I am looking for volunteers to pick me up. The reward for picking me up is an unbelievable souvenir. If nobody volunteers I will be forced to ask my roommate andy for a ride. Then he gets the most awesome souvenir of all time. I will announce the prize when the volunteer comes forward.
Today, like I said, I was in cologne, germany, the place where cologne was invented. There is a building standing where the original scented water came from, and it still flows. However, the fountain is now surrounded by this expensive boutique selling expensive cologne. Me, myron and our single serving japanese friend maiko waited outside until 10 when it opened up. With my empty evian bottle in hand, we waited impatiently. We walked around the block and found the store open. The fountain was right in the door and running, so we stepped inside and I began to fill my bottle. When the bottle was filled 3/4 full with the watered-down beer color smelly liquid, this beast of a woman nearly attacked me. "DAS IS NICHT FUR FREI BLAH SHPRECHE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ETC," she shouted at the top of her lungs. I looked at her in fear and poured the contents back out into the fountain. How the hell was I supposed to know I couldn't take a taste with me back home?
I realized later, after I was chased out of the building, and after myron and maiko got up off the ground from too much laughter, that they sell the stuff in bottles. It appears I was attempting to shoplift without knowing it.
I did have the last laugh. I got 7-9 drops of the juice still remaining in my evian bottle. I will return triumphantly to the u.s. to share the scent with all, unless it evaporates by then.
I am at my hostel now, and this is the only shitty computer. I can feel the others looking at me impatiently from behind my back. In other words, so long suckers.
dave
This brings up my next point---getting home. I am flying into O'hare and I land there at 7:39 pm on thursday night. I am looking for volunteers to pick me up. The reward for picking me up is an unbelievable souvenir. If nobody volunteers I will be forced to ask my roommate andy for a ride. Then he gets the most awesome souvenir of all time. I will announce the prize when the volunteer comes forward.
Today, like I said, I was in cologne, germany, the place where cologne was invented. There is a building standing where the original scented water came from, and it still flows. However, the fountain is now surrounded by this expensive boutique selling expensive cologne. Me, myron and our single serving japanese friend maiko waited outside until 10 when it opened up. With my empty evian bottle in hand, we waited impatiently. We walked around the block and found the store open. The fountain was right in the door and running, so we stepped inside and I began to fill my bottle. When the bottle was filled 3/4 full with the watered-down beer color smelly liquid, this beast of a woman nearly attacked me. "DAS IS NICHT FUR FREI BLAH SHPRECHE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ETC," she shouted at the top of her lungs. I looked at her in fear and poured the contents back out into the fountain. How the hell was I supposed to know I couldn't take a taste with me back home?
I realized later, after I was chased out of the building, and after myron and maiko got up off the ground from too much laughter, that they sell the stuff in bottles. It appears I was attempting to shoplift without knowing it.
I did have the last laugh. I got 7-9 drops of the juice still remaining in my evian bottle. I will return triumphantly to the u.s. to share the scent with all, unless it evaporates by then.
I am at my hostel now, and this is the only shitty computer. I can feel the others looking at me impatiently from behind my back. In other words, so long suckers.
dave
Saturday, September 14, 2002
switzerland
Hello pals! I am in Swityerland right now. Normallz I would saz "switzerland" and "Normally," but the letters y and z are switched on all computers in germanz and in swityerland. so i am tired of correcting mzself so zou need to just deal with it.
So anzwazs, We are in Interlaken, Swityerland right now, have been for 3 dazs. We hadnät planned on coming here, but we heard good things. Everzone go to mapquest or pull out zour atlas to see where this place is. It is beautiful. Nestled up in the alps, and sandwiched between 2 huge lakes, Interlaken is a paradise. Zesterdaz we climbed a mountain. It took us over six hours to get to our destination. This mountain was actuallz featured in the 1967 James Bond film "For her majesty^s secret service" or something like that. it was great, we were up on top of this mountain above the clouds.
Todaz we rented scooters. i was cruising at about 60km per hour down narrow, winding mountain roads. We took those out about 40km awaz and went up to see this glacier which was stairs going up forever. mzron almost collapsed.
last night in mz hostel (bz the waz i am not capitaliying anzmore either since the shift button is in the wrong place) i was getting readz to go to bed around 1 30 or so, and i was reading a book in the stairwell. I overheard a lot. keep in mind there is this crowded dance club below mz hostel with mainlz 19 or 20 zear old kids in it. one girl who was being groped bz this scrub said "oh mz god zou guzs, this is the first time i have ever ever been drunk ever" just then one of her friends began vomiting on the floor. then thez laughed and he began vomiting again about 5 minutes later, after the scrub had attmepted to get some.
Right now i have to go because we have to go white water rafting in a river created bz waterfalls from the alps. did zou know zou can drink the water from the river plain? anzwazs, mz internet time is almost out. gotta go. bze.
dave
So anzwazs, We are in Interlaken, Swityerland right now, have been for 3 dazs. We hadnät planned on coming here, but we heard good things. Everzone go to mapquest or pull out zour atlas to see where this place is. It is beautiful. Nestled up in the alps, and sandwiched between 2 huge lakes, Interlaken is a paradise. Zesterdaz we climbed a mountain. It took us over six hours to get to our destination. This mountain was actuallz featured in the 1967 James Bond film "For her majesty^s secret service" or something like that. it was great, we were up on top of this mountain above the clouds.
Todaz we rented scooters. i was cruising at about 60km per hour down narrow, winding mountain roads. We took those out about 40km awaz and went up to see this glacier which was stairs going up forever. mzron almost collapsed.
last night in mz hostel (bz the waz i am not capitaliying anzmore either since the shift button is in the wrong place) i was getting readz to go to bed around 1 30 or so, and i was reading a book in the stairwell. I overheard a lot. keep in mind there is this crowded dance club below mz hostel with mainlz 19 or 20 zear old kids in it. one girl who was being groped bz this scrub said "oh mz god zou guzs, this is the first time i have ever ever been drunk ever" just then one of her friends began vomiting on the floor. then thez laughed and he began vomiting again about 5 minutes later, after the scrub had attmepted to get some.
Right now i have to go because we have to go white water rafting in a river created bz waterfalls from the alps. did zou know zou can drink the water from the river plain? anzwazs, mz internet time is almost out. gotta go. bze.
dave
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
ich spreche deutsch
Greetings from Munich Germanz everyone!
I wish you all a happy and safe september 11th. Over here things are going well. Myron and I are taking a bike tour around the city tomorrow. Amsterdam really kicked our asses and we had to get out of there. Plenty of good things to report, but now it is almost 1 am and i need to get to bed. All this german beer is making me tired.
Later,
Dave
I wish you all a happy and safe september 11th. Over here things are going well. Myron and I are taking a bike tour around the city tomorrow. Amsterdam really kicked our asses and we had to get out of there. Plenty of good things to report, but now it is almost 1 am and i need to get to bed. All this german beer is making me tired.
Later,
Dave
Friday, September 6, 2002
Ocean
Hey Gays!
So I am in Amsterdam now, have been for 2 days. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Amsterdam? If you are anything like me, you think of Billy Ocean.
That is exactly what we heard being played at the local “coffee shop” we stopped at. It was his top ten hit “Suddenly.” This place played nothing but great similar hits.
Later that night we went to a tiny pub just off the red light district. I just wanted to get my first beer of the trip so it looked sufficient. We got in, got belly-up to the bar and drank a tasty guiness as we discussed our walk through hooker land.
There were a few interesting/creepy blokes in this bar. It was obviously locals besides us. Half way through my Guiness, this extremely drunk guy was kicked out. He was slow talking, or slurring I should say. He kept muttering something about how the bartender with a stupid mustache was living with “Tim” and kept acusing him of being gay. Then he tried talking to Myron and I, then the bartender came around and escorted the man out. Myron had moved a few bar stools down to get out of the way of the possible confrontation, so this opened up some space between us.
The bartender took full advantage of the space. He decided to sit next to me, very close and strike up a conversation with his so-so english skills. Mind you he never paid a second of attention to MYron. As I was trying to get out of this creepy conversation, I noticed the decorations on the wall. One photo in particular caught my eye. It was the dumb-mustached bartender dressed as a scantily clad woman. Next to this photo was other crossdressing photos, and gay bondage pictures and some kind of leather and chains wearing, village people looking men. As I took another look around the bar I saw a huge bell with a huge dildo as the part that rings against the bell.
Eventually the bartender got distracted by another of his friends and I got to escape. As I finished my second Guinness, I informed Myron of my suspicion. He was unsure until we left. Once he saw the other establishments around, he was convinced. The one good thing about the place, besides the Guinness, was that they played the power of love by Huey Lewis. Then they played Tina Turner.
By the way our hostel last night was in the red light district and was a shit hole, but there was a bar across the street called “dirty dick’s” and another called “cockring.” We didn’t have a chance to get there.
I am finally not jetlagged so tonight, friday night should be great fun. Also, we found a bar that is showing the Packer game on sunday night at 6 over here, so that should be fun.
So long, Suckers
dave
So I am in Amsterdam now, have been for 2 days. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Amsterdam? If you are anything like me, you think of Billy Ocean.
That is exactly what we heard being played at the local “coffee shop” we stopped at. It was his top ten hit “Suddenly.” This place played nothing but great similar hits.
Later that night we went to a tiny pub just off the red light district. I just wanted to get my first beer of the trip so it looked sufficient. We got in, got belly-up to the bar and drank a tasty guiness as we discussed our walk through hooker land.
There were a few interesting/creepy blokes in this bar. It was obviously locals besides us. Half way through my Guiness, this extremely drunk guy was kicked out. He was slow talking, or slurring I should say. He kept muttering something about how the bartender with a stupid mustache was living with “Tim” and kept acusing him of being gay. Then he tried talking to Myron and I, then the bartender came around and escorted the man out. Myron had moved a few bar stools down to get out of the way of the possible confrontation, so this opened up some space between us.
The bartender took full advantage of the space. He decided to sit next to me, very close and strike up a conversation with his so-so english skills. Mind you he never paid a second of attention to MYron. As I was trying to get out of this creepy conversation, I noticed the decorations on the wall. One photo in particular caught my eye. It was the dumb-mustached bartender dressed as a scantily clad woman. Next to this photo was other crossdressing photos, and gay bondage pictures and some kind of leather and chains wearing, village people looking men. As I took another look around the bar I saw a huge bell with a huge dildo as the part that rings against the bell.
Eventually the bartender got distracted by another of his friends and I got to escape. As I finished my second Guinness, I informed Myron of my suspicion. He was unsure until we left. Once he saw the other establishments around, he was convinced. The one good thing about the place, besides the Guinness, was that they played the power of love by Huey Lewis. Then they played Tina Turner.
By the way our hostel last night was in the red light district and was a shit hole, but there was a bar across the street called “dirty dick’s” and another called “cockring.” We didn’t have a chance to get there.
I am finally not jetlagged so tonight, friday night should be great fun. Also, we found a bar that is showing the Packer game on sunday night at 6 over here, so that should be fun.
So long, Suckers
dave
Wednesday, September 4, 2002
fish n chips
Hello kids.
I am in London. I am quite near Notting Hill actually. My flight went pretty well except for the infant sitting right behind me that screamed bloody murder for 6 hours straight. I couldn’t physically do that for 6 hours, I can’t comprehend how this tiny child of 6 months could have that kind of stamina without falling asleep.
The parents had a great strategy to shut this damn thing up—they shhhhhh-ed the kid. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think I learned what shhhhhhh meant until at least 5 years old. Telling a screaming baby to shhhhh was not the answer. Strangulation maybe, but not shhhhhhing.
So we got to London feeling pretty good. That was, until I nearly was killed. Myron and our single-serving friend Cristina saved my life. Somehow, in the midst of all my jetlag, I began crossing the street without looking both ways when a truck came barrelling at me. Myron and our single-serving friend screamed like 6 month old babies on an 8 hour flight to London for me to get out of the way, and I survived to tell the tale.
Later we were walking like zombies around Chinatown and we saw a man attacking a parking checking cop. This crazed foreigner (even more foreign than us) was verbally assaulting this cop with every known curse word, and some that I just learned. Then he made a fist and gave the cop a “two for flinching” type of fake punch, then proceeded to knock the man’s cool hat off and push him. If it were not for this nimrod’s caring family, entertaining fisticuffs would have ensued.
Right now we are trying to find a way to Amsterdam for tomorrow. And I am very fucking tired and hungry. It is 6:24 pm here and you gays are enjoying your lunch break at work . needless to say my body is confused and needs rest.
so long from LONDON.
DG
I am in London. I am quite near Notting Hill actually. My flight went pretty well except for the infant sitting right behind me that screamed bloody murder for 6 hours straight. I couldn’t physically do that for 6 hours, I can’t comprehend how this tiny child of 6 months could have that kind of stamina without falling asleep.
The parents had a great strategy to shut this damn thing up—they shhhhhh-ed the kid. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think I learned what shhhhhhh meant until at least 5 years old. Telling a screaming baby to shhhhh was not the answer. Strangulation maybe, but not shhhhhhing.
So we got to London feeling pretty good. That was, until I nearly was killed. Myron and our single-serving friend Cristina saved my life. Somehow, in the midst of all my jetlag, I began crossing the street without looking both ways when a truck came barrelling at me. Myron and our single-serving friend screamed like 6 month old babies on an 8 hour flight to London for me to get out of the way, and I survived to tell the tale.
Later we were walking like zombies around Chinatown and we saw a man attacking a parking checking cop. This crazed foreigner (even more foreign than us) was verbally assaulting this cop with every known curse word, and some that I just learned. Then he made a fist and gave the cop a “two for flinching” type of fake punch, then proceeded to knock the man’s cool hat off and push him. If it were not for this nimrod’s caring family, entertaining fisticuffs would have ensued.
Right now we are trying to find a way to Amsterdam for tomorrow. And I am very fucking tired and hungry. It is 6:24 pm here and you gays are enjoying your lunch break at work . needless to say my body is confused and needs rest.
so long from LONDON.
DG
Monday, September 2, 2002
so long suckers
Guten Tag freunds, it is Monday night and I am just finishing up my packing for the big trip. I leave tomorrow from O’Hare at noon. My bag is getting heavy, however. You’d be surprised how much porno weighs.
I will update you gays often, whether you like it or not, from all over Europe. Have fun while I am gone and try not to miss me too much.
Bye.
Dave
I will update you gays often, whether you like it or not, from all over Europe. Have fun while I am gone and try not to miss me too much.
Bye.
Dave
Friday, August 30, 2002
hey pals
Hello friends!!!
It is only 9:38 am today on Friday, and already something huge has happened. I woke up at 9:30 exactly, turned on Nickelodeon immediately, and I saw my first ever Oswald rerun. I will remember this moment always.
Lately I have been waking up at 9:30 regardless of when I go to sleep, which coincidentally is the time Oswald begins.
So as you might remember, I will be a traveling fool come Tuesday morning. As it turns out, my friend Myron whom I am traveling with, is on the same exact flight as me. He is coming from San Diego and I am coming from Chicago, but somehow we are on the same flight from Atlanta to London. What are the chances?
I have done almost no preparation for this trip. We don’t even know where we are going yet. My drug-happy companion insists we check out the scene in Amsterdam and would enjoy Germany as well since he is 100% Kraut, but that is the extent of our plan.
I need one of you to collect rent for me while I am gone. I will accept applications for the next 2 days. Please email me your resumes.
Last night I caught the rerun ending of the 2002 MTV music video awards, and Guns N Roses played a “surprise” show. Axl Rose looked like fucking shit. He also sounded like fucking shit. In the post-show interview, he was a flaky idiot. I used to love him, but now I have to kill him, I’ll have to put him…..six feet undah….he’s buried right in mah back yard…oh woah oh oh ooh oh woah yeah.
I have still been working about 6 hours a day on my house, that is why I have been so busy lately, and the fact that all my bitches absorb all my free time. I now know what is like to have a nearly full-time job, so I will not rub in the fact that I am not in a cubicle. I will also reduce the amount of ripping on you that I do since I can see myself joining you kids on the horizon, and I think if I keep this up I will never hear the end of it.
I plan on keeping you all updated on my national lampoon’s European vacation. I am really going to miss all you gays, even though I rarely see most of you. See you all at Oak Creek Lion’s Fest this weekend!!!
Dave
It is only 9:38 am today on Friday, and already something huge has happened. I woke up at 9:30 exactly, turned on Nickelodeon immediately, and I saw my first ever Oswald rerun. I will remember this moment always.
Lately I have been waking up at 9:30 regardless of when I go to sleep, which coincidentally is the time Oswald begins.
So as you might remember, I will be a traveling fool come Tuesday morning. As it turns out, my friend Myron whom I am traveling with, is on the same exact flight as me. He is coming from San Diego and I am coming from Chicago, but somehow we are on the same flight from Atlanta to London. What are the chances?
I have done almost no preparation for this trip. We don’t even know where we are going yet. My drug-happy companion insists we check out the scene in Amsterdam and would enjoy Germany as well since he is 100% Kraut, but that is the extent of our plan.
I need one of you to collect rent for me while I am gone. I will accept applications for the next 2 days. Please email me your resumes.
Last night I caught the rerun ending of the 2002 MTV music video awards, and Guns N Roses played a “surprise” show. Axl Rose looked like fucking shit. He also sounded like fucking shit. In the post-show interview, he was a flaky idiot. I used to love him, but now I have to kill him, I’ll have to put him…..six feet undah….he’s buried right in mah back yard…oh woah oh oh ooh oh woah yeah.
I have still been working about 6 hours a day on my house, that is why I have been so busy lately, and the fact that all my bitches absorb all my free time. I now know what is like to have a nearly full-time job, so I will not rub in the fact that I am not in a cubicle. I will also reduce the amount of ripping on you that I do since I can see myself joining you kids on the horizon, and I think if I keep this up I will never hear the end of it.
I plan on keeping you all updated on my national lampoon’s European vacation. I am really going to miss all you gays, even though I rarely see most of you. See you all at Oak Creek Lion’s Fest this weekend!!!
Dave
Thursday, August 15, 2002
rods
Hey Rods!
How is everyone doing? Me, I’m doing very well. I am happy to report that I have now been unemployed for 3 months! The time just flew.
Lately I have been busting my ass working on the exterior of my house on North Ave that must be completed by October 1st. I have been working at least 4 hours a day and it is rough. I am quite tan also.
The main problem that I forsee for myself is that I have basically 2 weeks to finish the house, since I am going to Europe again. Yes, in case you have not heard, I am traveling to Europe from September 3-19th with Myron Kraus. I am unsure where exactly we are traveling, but I would appreciate your ideas of where to go.
All I know is that I am flying into London. By the way I got my round trip ticket on Priceline from Ohare to London for a grand total of $278 including taxes, etc. This means that all of you jackasses can afford to join me for at least part of the trip.
Since I have reached 3 months of unemployment, I realized that I only have 3 months left of free money. This means I will most likely have to give in and get a job like you suckers. So I have to decide on a career or just a job. I have had some thoughts and opportunities arise. I could simply be a bartender (Joey Buona’s, The Lodge or Magilicuddy’s), a bouncer (Rosies, Magilicuddy’s or the Lodge), or a waiter (at Melanec’s Wheelhouse Dinner Theatre). All of these jobs have only one advantage—meeting women, and one disadvantage—having to work. But I am also thinking of a few other careers. Like being a rock singer, or documentary filmmaker, or a talk show host like Conan O’Brian or Letterman in the early days. Or a world travelling journalist. Or I could always go back to school or buy a bar.
I am leaning most toward talk show host, even if I have to host a show like the Pat Sajak show or the Martin Short show or the show that had the ugly cosby girl hosting. Or even like the best show ever—the Howie Mandel show.
Anyways, I am taking your votes for my new career. I will put together a top ten list from you gays and then I will pick one.
So Long.
dave
How is everyone doing? Me, I’m doing very well. I am happy to report that I have now been unemployed for 3 months! The time just flew.
Lately I have been busting my ass working on the exterior of my house on North Ave that must be completed by October 1st. I have been working at least 4 hours a day and it is rough. I am quite tan also.
The main problem that I forsee for myself is that I have basically 2 weeks to finish the house, since I am going to Europe again. Yes, in case you have not heard, I am traveling to Europe from September 3-19th with Myron Kraus. I am unsure where exactly we are traveling, but I would appreciate your ideas of where to go.
All I know is that I am flying into London. By the way I got my round trip ticket on Priceline from Ohare to London for a grand total of $278 including taxes, etc. This means that all of you jackasses can afford to join me for at least part of the trip.
Since I have reached 3 months of unemployment, I realized that I only have 3 months left of free money. This means I will most likely have to give in and get a job like you suckers. So I have to decide on a career or just a job. I have had some thoughts and opportunities arise. I could simply be a bartender (Joey Buona’s, The Lodge or Magilicuddy’s), a bouncer (Rosies, Magilicuddy’s or the Lodge), or a waiter (at Melanec’s Wheelhouse Dinner Theatre). All of these jobs have only one advantage—meeting women, and one disadvantage—having to work. But I am also thinking of a few other careers. Like being a rock singer, or documentary filmmaker, or a talk show host like Conan O’Brian or Letterman in the early days. Or a world travelling journalist. Or I could always go back to school or buy a bar.
I am leaning most toward talk show host, even if I have to host a show like the Pat Sajak show or the Martin Short show or the show that had the ugly cosby girl hosting. Or even like the best show ever—the Howie Mandel show.
Anyways, I am taking your votes for my new career. I will put together a top ten list from you gays and then I will pick one.
So Long.
dave
Friday, August 9, 2002
punched in the head twice
Hey Gays!
I wish you all a happy friday in your cubicle once again. I, however will be 30 feet up on a ladder working on my North Ave property, it needs some painting work.
But enough about me and my dream of doing nothing. On to more important issues. Do me a favor and ask yourself this question— When was the last time you were in a movie theater, one hour into the movie and you found yourself getting punched in the head? Better yet, when was the last time you got punched in the head TWICE in the same movie? Well, just happened to me last friday. I was watching Signs and about half way through the nearly sold out showing, an old lady with a walker comes inching her way in. She was being led by a seeing eye old man with a flashlight, not the usher mind you. Before I realized the beasts were behind me somebody punched me in the back of the head. Not surprisingly, I whipped my head around to see who was starting shit. It was the old man. I quickly forgot about it as I watched them fumble around looking for two seats with no luck. So they left. Moments later I am bashed in the head again. This time I knew it could not have been accidental. This bitch was fucking with me. Lucky for him he found a seat a few rows in front of me before I could do anything.
Then I completely forgot about it as some jackass opened his can of soda during a silent part of the film. The actual can opening took nearly two minutes, each sound of the aluminum crinkling louder. I hope it was a good soda.
Sunday morning I arrived home at six a.m. It was quite a long saturday night, but worth it. As some of you know, I suffer from the occasional migraine. I know what triggers them now, and staying up til six drinking and neglecting sleep is one of them. It came on as I fell asleep on Sunday night, so I woke up feeling shitty. I discovered the cure for migraines. It is not drugs or alcohol or gettin it on with your lady. It is Nickelodeon. More specifically, a program called Oswald.
According to my sister’s kids, this is a “baby’s” show. Nonsense. I turned this show on at nine thirty a.m. as I woke up, and I have never felt better. He was so calm and nice to all of the other cartoon characters, it really put me at ease. Next time you call in sick, turn him on, you won’t be disappointed. Here is a photo of him. He is an octopus.
By the way, I went 6-7 thursday night during our softball double header, with a walk, 5 runs, and a home run. Also I won the coveted “yellow ball” award for making the year’s best play in the field. I am outta here, time for bed.
So Long.
dave
Tuesday, August 6, 2002
long time no email
Hey Gays!
I know it has been a while since I dropped you all a line, so I figured I was overdue. Just a little reminder to everyone, Los Straitjackets is playing 2 shows today (tuesday) for free downtown. At 12 noon or at 7:30 pm you can catch these wacky musicians downtown for Rainbow Summer. I have to play basketball tomorrow night, however I will be there for the noon show. If you can make it I will make it worth the trip. You see, for those of you who have never seen the band or have never heard of them, they all wear mexican wrestling masks, and play instrumental surf guitar music, kind of like the old Dick Dale stuff. Well, it just so happens that I also have a mexican wrestling mask, I plan on wearing it tomorrow for the show, along with my plain black shirt, which they often wear. I plan on getting my photo taken with them. You should be able to see them in the photo I pasted on this email. I don’t want this email to be too long so I will catch up with you rods after the show. See you there!
Thursday, July 25, 2002
WINNER!
Hey gays. As you may have known, I completed the walk to my Mom’s house on Friday last week. Ryan Novak came over to my place on his last day of unemployment, and we walked. And walked. And walked. The 13.01 mile trek began around 12:45p.m. We both wore matching tank tops for the occasion, they were ones I bought in Mexico that read “No Beer, No Fuckin’ Work” and had a fat mexican guy on it holding his gut up with a wheelbarrow and a beer on his belly.
We walked nonstop til we hit steny’s in walker’s point. There I had a pizza and got hit on. So we kept on walking. When we just about hit Chase, we took a gamble, rather than take an easy detour, we thought we’d see if we could sneak across the bridge under constuction. No dice. We then had to take a full mile detour around. Note: this detour did not count in the final time. So we walked past chuck e cheese and didn’t stop til we hit Jalepeno Loco by the airport. Here we stopped at the mexican restaurant wearing our mexican shirts for 2 pina coladas. They were heavenly.
At about the 11 mile point in Oak Creek, I told Ryan my legs are getting sore. He responded “My legs are just FUCKED UP!” I agreed.
So we finally made it to my mom’s house where we promptly collapsed in the backyard. Then we played whiffle ball and swam in dave stewart’s pool. But anyway, the final time was 4hrs 14minutes 5 seconds. This means that Joe Nuss is the winner with his guess of 4:49. This means that the rest of you are dumb nimrods.
Joe, you win a date with my old roommate snake. Dinner and a movie.
In other news, I am going to fucking Noah’s Ark tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! My pal Myron from San Diego is in town and Mark Mauer is driving us all there. I think there might be a spot open, so get your applications to me ASAP. I can’t wait to go where the water animals play. And I can’t wait to see all of the biblical references there as well.
So long suckers.
DG
We walked nonstop til we hit steny’s in walker’s point. There I had a pizza and got hit on. So we kept on walking. When we just about hit Chase, we took a gamble, rather than take an easy detour, we thought we’d see if we could sneak across the bridge under constuction. No dice. We then had to take a full mile detour around. Note: this detour did not count in the final time. So we walked past chuck e cheese and didn’t stop til we hit Jalepeno Loco by the airport. Here we stopped at the mexican restaurant wearing our mexican shirts for 2 pina coladas. They were heavenly.
At about the 11 mile point in Oak Creek, I told Ryan my legs are getting sore. He responded “My legs are just FUCKED UP!” I agreed.
So we finally made it to my mom’s house where we promptly collapsed in the backyard. Then we played whiffle ball and swam in dave stewart’s pool. But anyway, the final time was 4hrs 14minutes 5 seconds. This means that Joe Nuss is the winner with his guess of 4:49. This means that the rest of you are dumb nimrods.
Joe, you win a date with my old roommate snake. Dinner and a movie.
In other news, I am going to fucking Noah’s Ark tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!! My pal Myron from San Diego is in town and Mark Mauer is driving us all there. I think there might be a spot open, so get your applications to me ASAP. I can’t wait to go where the water animals play. And I can’t wait to see all of the biblical references there as well.
So long suckers.
DG
Friday, July 19, 2002
RED ALERT
THE WALK IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS THE DAY. RYAN NOVAK IS ON THE WAY OVER TO MY HOME AS I WRITE. YOUR SUPPORT WOULD BE APPRECIATED, SO CALL AND WISH US LUCK @ 555-3283. OH YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 DG
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
did you miss me?
Hey Gays!
I just got back from a short trip to San Diego last night. I spent 4 days and nights there, sleeping on a smelly floor for one night and a very smelly couch wasfor the other 3 nights. I visiting my friend (and many of yours) Myron Kraus, who is also recently unemployed. Just think, tuesday morning while you were in your cubicles, I was swimming in the ocean. On monday when you were stuck in your cubicle or on your 30 minute lunch break, I was drinking one dollar coronas in Mexico. And on Sunday when you were sweating your asses off in that hot and humid church, I was enjoying the all day “over the line” tournament on the beach with a cooler full of beer and hundreds of hot women. Oh yeah, and while you were watching the Brewers lose on saturday, I was watching the Padres lose after tailgating. Oh yeah, and on Friday night I was drinking lots of beer from the Sierra Nevada barrell of beer at the party that myron threw while you were at Bastille Days using tickets to buy beer.
Was that too harsh? If it makes you feel better, I was unknowingly hitting on a 16 year old. I yelled at two girls who were walking down the street and invited them to the party. they were there for probably two hours, drinking with us. Then they invited their other pal over, who looked 12. Then the gig was up. they admitted to some people to being 16 and were banished from the party. I was saved. In other news, I fucked up my wrist pretty bad on thursday night during my softball game. I am pretty sure that I sprained my wrist, but it might be broken, I am not sure since I have no insurance. Either way I hope i meet a fine lady soon, because I am unable to take care of certain things now.
I also went to the all star game at miller park last week. I don’t think I told y’all about it. I rode my bike down there with marcus “pipes” mauer just to take in the atmosphere and be a part of something big. It turns out i got a $150 ticket for 75 bucks and I went in. I got there in time to see everything, including introductions, and including this big fat fucker in my seat. So I got him out and to my delight, he actually got to sit next to me with his nasty stupid ass girlfriend/wife person. The game was exciting and great, don’t get me wrong, but there were a few problems with the gigantor next to me.
First of all, the man took up half of my seat with his flab. He didn’t use his armrests for his arms, it was for his blubber. Next, he was a very vocal guy. Literally, EVERY SINGLE pitch, swing, or defensive play made this fucking idiot yell a comment. Most common was “RIPPED!!!” EVERY SINGLE time somebody hit the ball, fair or foul. Another favorite of his was a loud “WOOF!” when somebody swung and missed. Also, for every ball, he said “that’s a ball” and of course “that is a STRIKE” for every strike. In addition he would often yell “THAT is a BASE HIT!” He thought he was mister know it all about every fucking thing about baseball when he clearly knew nothing. He even pointed out to everyone around that “they have a man in scoring position, all we need is a base hit to score a run now.” It was unbearable.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this ugly beast of a man also must have forgotten to brush his teeth for the last week, and he had a cold and coughed nonstop about 6 inches from my face. He chewed his food loudly with his mouth open and I nearly died. To add to his ignorance, he only clapped for the black players when the introductions were done (he was black).
Luckily after the 8th inning the crowd thinned out. I moved down to the 2nd level from the 4th and took a seat. After a few minutes of sitting and observing, I realized Ichiro’s family was sitting literally right next to me, and Freddy Garcia’s family was in front of me.
I wonder if any of you actually read this whole email.
Since my hand is fucked up I can’t really paint or repair houses, but I can certainly walk, so it WILL happen soon.
So long suckers
dg
I just got back from a short trip to San Diego last night. I spent 4 days and nights there, sleeping on a smelly floor for one night and a very smelly couch wasfor the other 3 nights. I visiting my friend (and many of yours) Myron Kraus, who is also recently unemployed. Just think, tuesday morning while you were in your cubicles, I was swimming in the ocean. On monday when you were stuck in your cubicle or on your 30 minute lunch break, I was drinking one dollar coronas in Mexico. And on Sunday when you were sweating your asses off in that hot and humid church, I was enjoying the all day “over the line” tournament on the beach with a cooler full of beer and hundreds of hot women. Oh yeah, and while you were watching the Brewers lose on saturday, I was watching the Padres lose after tailgating. Oh yeah, and on Friday night I was drinking lots of beer from the Sierra Nevada barrell of beer at the party that myron threw while you were at Bastille Days using tickets to buy beer.
Was that too harsh? If it makes you feel better, I was unknowingly hitting on a 16 year old. I yelled at two girls who were walking down the street and invited them to the party. they were there for probably two hours, drinking with us. Then they invited their other pal over, who looked 12. Then the gig was up. they admitted to some people to being 16 and were banished from the party. I was saved. In other news, I fucked up my wrist pretty bad on thursday night during my softball game. I am pretty sure that I sprained my wrist, but it might be broken, I am not sure since I have no insurance. Either way I hope i meet a fine lady soon, because I am unable to take care of certain things now.
I also went to the all star game at miller park last week. I don’t think I told y’all about it. I rode my bike down there with marcus “pipes” mauer just to take in the atmosphere and be a part of something big. It turns out i got a $150 ticket for 75 bucks and I went in. I got there in time to see everything, including introductions, and including this big fat fucker in my seat. So I got him out and to my delight, he actually got to sit next to me with his nasty stupid ass girlfriend/wife person. The game was exciting and great, don’t get me wrong, but there were a few problems with the gigantor next to me.
First of all, the man took up half of my seat with his flab. He didn’t use his armrests for his arms, it was for his blubber. Next, he was a very vocal guy. Literally, EVERY SINGLE pitch, swing, or defensive play made this fucking idiot yell a comment. Most common was “RIPPED!!!” EVERY SINGLE time somebody hit the ball, fair or foul. Another favorite of his was a loud “WOOF!” when somebody swung and missed. Also, for every ball, he said “that’s a ball” and of course “that is a STRIKE” for every strike. In addition he would often yell “THAT is a BASE HIT!” He thought he was mister know it all about every fucking thing about baseball when he clearly knew nothing. He even pointed out to everyone around that “they have a man in scoring position, all we need is a base hit to score a run now.” It was unbearable.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that this ugly beast of a man also must have forgotten to brush his teeth for the last week, and he had a cold and coughed nonstop about 6 inches from my face. He chewed his food loudly with his mouth open and I nearly died. To add to his ignorance, he only clapped for the black players when the introductions were done (he was black).
Luckily after the 8th inning the crowd thinned out. I moved down to the 2nd level from the 4th and took a seat. After a few minutes of sitting and observing, I realized Ichiro’s family was sitting literally right next to me, and Freddy Garcia’s family was in front of me.
I wonder if any of you actually read this whole email.
Since my hand is fucked up I can’t really paint or repair houses, but I can certainly walk, so it WILL happen soon.
So long suckers
dg
Monday, July 8, 2002
what a holiday
Good morning rods! I assume you are all back happily at work. I just had a psychic incident. I dreamt (dreamed?) that I was in high school and I was sleeping on my parents’ couch. I asked my mom to wake me up at 7:30 so I could make it to school on time. And I shit you not——my roommate woke me up today at just about 7:30, and he said it was my mom on the phone!!! So I get the phone and it was not quite my mom, but my sister calling from my mom’s house. Fucking weird.
So I am very happy that summerfest is finally over. Of the 11 days, I visited the grounds on 7 occasions. Only one of those did not involve getting drunk. Coincidentally, I am sick as a dog now. I either have the flu, mono, tuberculosis, or genital warts. Whatever I have I am worn down, always tired, and my stomach feels queasy all the time, and I often have to use the toilet for a liquidy #2. So I am going to try and get better soon.
Have you guys seen the new road runner commercial? This is the follow up to the one where the stereotypical asian man says “road runnah is ah fahst!” Well, in the new edition, he says “Fahst Ball, ovah thah plate!” Again, his bunch of fucking assholes family laughs at the poor guy. He is, however, a great actor and I need to find out what else he is in.
By the way, thanks for showing your support for Gilbert Gottfried. I think I only saw about 8 of you there for the 9:00 show. The man was brilliant. He intentionally tried to get people to leave. He told no jokes. All he did was make references to 1950’s actors that nobody in our generation remembers. Example—“Ok, here’s Bella Lugosi starring in “12 Angry Men”” then he proceeded with a half ass impression of him. Then he would start singing some extremely old song nobody knew. He was obviously drunk or on crack. And there was this fucking man/woman beast that wanted his cock. She was laughing out loud when Gilbert was not even being funny pretending that she “got it.” Then this beast tried getting into fights with everyone. Then my friend Mauer got to sit next to her.
I went to the All-Star Futures game and the celebrity softball game last night at Miller Park. Coolio is a fucking dork. Rollie Fingers played Right Center, which is my position, and he made me proud. It was so empty that scalpers were already asking if we needed tickets before we got out of our car. We got sweet $40 tix for 20 bucks. And we could have had cheaper. I bet Tuesday’s game will be the same.
I am going to san diego to visit my pal Myron on friday morning at 11. If any of you want to go it is only $196 round trip. I am also going to Europe again around September 7th or so, so get your passports ready. If you have any recommendations in Europe I’d love to hear them. So long, suckers. Dave
So I am very happy that summerfest is finally over. Of the 11 days, I visited the grounds on 7 occasions. Only one of those did not involve getting drunk. Coincidentally, I am sick as a dog now. I either have the flu, mono, tuberculosis, or genital warts. Whatever I have I am worn down, always tired, and my stomach feels queasy all the time, and I often have to use the toilet for a liquidy #2. So I am going to try and get better soon.
Have you guys seen the new road runner commercial? This is the follow up to the one where the stereotypical asian man says “road runnah is ah fahst!” Well, in the new edition, he says “Fahst Ball, ovah thah plate!” Again, his bunch of fucking assholes family laughs at the poor guy. He is, however, a great actor and I need to find out what else he is in.
By the way, thanks for showing your support for Gilbert Gottfried. I think I only saw about 8 of you there for the 9:00 show. The man was brilliant. He intentionally tried to get people to leave. He told no jokes. All he did was make references to 1950’s actors that nobody in our generation remembers. Example—“Ok, here’s Bella Lugosi starring in “12 Angry Men”” then he proceeded with a half ass impression of him. Then he would start singing some extremely old song nobody knew. He was obviously drunk or on crack. And there was this fucking man/woman beast that wanted his cock. She was laughing out loud when Gilbert was not even being funny pretending that she “got it.” Then this beast tried getting into fights with everyone. Then my friend Mauer got to sit next to her.
I went to the All-Star Futures game and the celebrity softball game last night at Miller Park. Coolio is a fucking dork. Rollie Fingers played Right Center, which is my position, and he made me proud. It was so empty that scalpers were already asking if we needed tickets before we got out of our car. We got sweet $40 tix for 20 bucks. And we could have had cheaper. I bet Tuesday’s game will be the same.
I am going to san diego to visit my pal Myron on friday morning at 11. If any of you want to go it is only $196 round trip. I am also going to Europe again around September 7th or so, so get your passports ready. If you have any recommendations in Europe I’d love to hear them. So long, suckers. Dave
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