one last night

Greetings. It is 11:15pm on Sunday, November 17th. Exactly six months and two days ago I quit my job. In exactly ten hours my unemployment comes to an end, along with my fun. So as you read this in your cubicle on Monday morning, you can all have the satisfaction knowing that I am doing the same.

With this new job thing going on, my life will have to change dramatically. I now have to spend 8 hours of every day (that is one third of the day) in one building working for the man. So I have to make some adjustments.

After my training I will have to begin working at 8 a.m., and I will have to wake up around 6:30 or so. I am not even sure if 6:30 a.m. actually exists. I have absolutely no way to prove that 6:30 or even 8 exists because I have not seen it in 6 months. This means I need to plug in my dust-covered alarm clock that was used 4 times in the last half year (trip to san diego, trip to europe, job interview, court).

I also cannot get drunk on sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, or thursday. In addition, I cannot get drunk on any of those nights without consequences.

I can't sit around in my boxers until 3pm.
I can't watch 2 movies in a row at the theater at noon on tuesday.
I can't drive to missouri to meet yakov smirnoff on a whim.
I can't walk to my mom's house on a friday at 11am.
I will have to actually leave the ghetto.
OK, I could go on for hours but I will not.

Anyways, I am having a "Coming out of retirement party" for myself on Saturday night, December 7th. Since you are reading this, that means you are invited. Also bring your friends because it is an old school house party. We will provide plenty of liquor for those of you who are drunks. The official entertainment is TBA. Details will come when available.

In other news, I visited Oshkosh this weekend. Unfortunately I didn't see the villain, but I did get to see my little brother turn 21. It was bittersweet. On the one hand i am happy for him, but on the other hand, I am very old now when my little brother--whose birth I can remember-- will potentially be at the same bars as me. It was a fun night, and we even tricked a few girls into thinking I was Steve's father.

Well, it is time for me to get to bed, I have to work tomorrow.

Dave

russians

So there I was. Tuesday afternoon, I met with the furnace guys and they fixed the furnaces, I picked up some rent, and went home. Realizing that my vacation's end is imminent, and that I had nothing to do that night. I decided to drive to Branson, Missouri with my roommate to go see Yakov Smirnoff.

We left at 6pm. We took the Jeep and at about 2am we slept in a rest area for a few hours and by 9am we were at the Yakov Smirnoff Theater. Yes, he has his own theater, it is disgusting. Yes, the same Russian comedian you remember as the taxi cab driver from "Brewster's Millions" and from Night Court owns a huge theater. The show was fantastically horrible, and besides my roommate and I, there was, literally, only one other person in the crowd of 1500 (sold out) that was under 60 years of age. Yakov shined as he got the old folks rolling in the aisles and pissing their pants. He even had them crying at the end with some bullshit sad sack poor immigrant, nice americans Christmas story. Yakov, who generally does 2 shows a day, had the nerve to choke up and cry himself telling this god awful story.

So now the nearly 4 hour show (including intermission) is finished and Yakov announced he would sign autographs. Amazingly, the 1497 senior citizens were not interested in this, so once they were herded out the doors and into their buses, we got right up to the great man. After waiting for about 8 people to finish, we got our shot. I asked him to sign it "To Dave...." and he just gave me a blank, angry stare. So I then said "Brewster's Millions Rules!" Again I got the same look, but he signed it "To Dave....Yakov" anyways, then I had the photo taken that I have attached for your enjoyment.

Later we had the old time photos taken, took a nap at our hotel, ate a big buffet for five bucks, ate a big steak dinner, drank some Jack Daniels, sang karaoke (including Bust a Move in the country music-dominated shitty townie bar), and hung out with a bunch of women we just met while karaoking. We enjoyed some late night Denny's, then we crashed. So Thursday morning we take off and get back at 10:30 pm. Overall a great roadtrip.

I am officially starting work on Monday the 18th, so if anyone has any cool ideas of things to do this next week let me know. Or just take a day off and we can go to see Yakov again. Next saturday I am going to visit my old stomping grounds in Oshkosh to get drunk, see some old friends, and beat up some old girlfriends. If you want to come along let me know.

So long.
dave

false alarm

Hey gays. Remember how I was going to start my new job today (Monday)? Well, right now I am at home in my boxers typing to you at my computer with music cranked, unshowered, and I have not even left my house yet, and I have already eaten 2 meals. So I guess I don't have a job yet. Instead I have at least one more glorious week of vacation. Supposedly I will know when and if I start on Thursday.

In other news, my luck continues. Wednesday night I was playing basketball like usual. After 2 hours of nonstop ball, a few people left. There were only 4 of us left, and rather than leave, as I felt like doing, I stayed for a bit of 2 on 2. We played. The score was 1 to 1. I jumped up for a rebound, and instead of landing flat on my feet, I decided to land on the side of my ankle. The last thing anyone heard before my screaming, was an interesting snapping noise. My guess is that it was one or 2 ligaments in my ankle. So after pounding my fist into the floor a few times and squirming around like a fish out of water, I limped home to find a sprained ankle swelling the size of a baseball. My luck continues. Also women suck worse than last week.

In regards to last week's unpopular email I sent out about the war on Iraq and the evil American ex-soldiers, I got a few good replies from you guys. Here are two of my favorites:

John Gilewski wrote.... "Just think though, military person #4 (this was the bitch that stole my girlfriend) probably saved you from a lifetime of misery, and pain!!!!!! "

Mark Mauer wrote.... "Hey Dave, just read an article about a nursing student who killed 4 people and himself at the university of arizona over the weekend. and guess what, he's a gulf war vet. i think this lends further credence to your assertion that all u.s. soldiers, current and former, are assholes. maybe you do a thesis on this subject, and see how true it is, and write a book about this phenomenon.

I think I will now leave the house and enjoy some daylight while I can.

Enjoy your day.

dg