hey pals

Hello friends!!!

It is only 9:38 am today on Friday, and already something huge has happened. I woke up at 9:30 exactly, turned on Nickelodeon immediately, and I saw my first ever Oswald rerun. I will remember this moment always.

Lately I have been waking up at 9:30 regardless of when I go to sleep, which coincidentally is the time Oswald begins.

So as you might remember, I will be a traveling fool come Tuesday morning. As it turns out, my friend Myron whom I am traveling with, is on the same exact flight as me. He is coming from San Diego and I am coming from Chicago, but somehow we are on the same flight from Atlanta to London. What are the chances?

I have done almost no preparation for this trip. We don’t even know where we are going yet. My drug-happy companion insists we check out the scene in Amsterdam and would enjoy Germany as well since he is 100% Kraut, but that is the extent of our plan.

I need one of you to collect rent for me while I am gone. I will accept applications for the next 2 days. Please email me your resumes.

Last night I caught the rerun ending of the 2002 MTV music video awards, and Guns N Roses played a “surprise” show. Axl Rose looked like fucking shit. He also sounded like fucking shit. In the post-show interview, he was a flaky idiot. I used to love him, but now I have to kill him, I’ll have to put him…..six feet undah….he’s buried right in mah back yard…oh woah oh oh ooh oh woah yeah.

I have still been working about 6 hours a day on my house, that is why I have been so busy lately, and the fact that all my bitches absorb all my free time. I now know what is like to have a nearly full-time job, so I will not rub in the fact that I am not in a cubicle. I will also reduce the amount of ripping on you that I do since I can see myself joining you kids on the horizon, and I think if I keep this up I will never hear the end of it.

I plan on keeping you all updated on my national lampoon’s European vacation. I am really going to miss all you gays, even though I rarely see most of you. See you all at Oak Creek Lion’s Fest this weekend!!!

Dave

rods

Hey Rods!

How is everyone doing? Me, I’m doing very well. I am happy to report that I have now been unemployed for 3 months! The time just flew.

Lately I have been busting my ass working on the exterior of my house on North Ave that must be completed by October 1st. I have been working at least 4 hours a day and it is rough. I am quite tan also.

The main problem that I forsee for myself is that I have basically 2 weeks to finish the house, since I am going to Europe again. Yes, in case you have not heard, I am traveling to Europe from September 3-19th with Myron Kraus. I am unsure where exactly we are traveling, but I would appreciate your ideas of where to go.

All I know is that I am flying into London. By the way I got my round trip ticket on Priceline from Ohare to London for a grand total of $278 including taxes, etc. This means that all of you jackasses can afford to join me for at least part of the trip.

Since I have reached 3 months of unemployment, I realized that I only have 3 months left of free money. This means I will most likely have to give in and get a job like you suckers. So I have to decide on a career or just a job. I have had some thoughts and opportunities arise. I could simply be a bartender (Joey Buona’s, The Lodge or Magilicuddy’s), a bouncer (Rosies, Magilicuddy’s or the Lodge), or a waiter (at Melanec’s Wheelhouse Dinner Theatre). All of these jobs have only one advantage—meeting women, and one disadvantage—having to work. But I am also thinking of a few other careers. Like being a rock singer, or documentary filmmaker, or a talk show host like Conan O’Brian or Letterman in the early days. Or a world travelling journalist. Or I could always go back to school or buy a bar.

I am leaning most toward talk show host, even if I have to host a show like the Pat Sajak show or the Martin Short show or the show that had the ugly cosby girl hosting. Or even like the best show ever—the Howie Mandel show.

Anyways, I am taking your votes for my new career. I will put together a top ten list from you gays and then I will pick one.

So Long.

dave

punched in the head twice

Hey Gays!

I wish you all a happy friday in your cubicle once again. I, however will be 30 feet up on a ladder working on my North Ave property, it needs some painting work.

But enough about me and my dream of doing nothing. On to more important issues. Do me a favor and ask yourself this question— When was the last time you were in a movie theater, one hour into the movie and you found yourself getting punched in the head? Better yet, when was the last time you got punched in the head TWICE in the same movie? Well, just happened to me last friday. I was watching Signs and about half way through the nearly sold out showing, an old lady with a walker comes inching her way in. She was being led by a seeing eye old man with a flashlight, not the usher mind you. Before I realized the beasts were behind me somebody punched me in the back of the head. Not surprisingly, I whipped my head around to see who was starting shit. It was the old man. I quickly forgot about it as I watched them fumble around looking for two seats with no luck. So they left. Moments later I am bashed in the head again. This time I knew it could not have been accidental. This bitch was fucking with me. Lucky for him he found a seat a few rows in front of me before I could do anything.

Then I completely forgot about it as some jackass opened his can of soda during a silent part of the film. The actual can opening took nearly two minutes, each sound of the aluminum crinkling louder. I hope it was a good soda.

Sunday morning I arrived home at six a.m. It was quite a long saturday night, but worth it. As some of you know, I suffer from the occasional migraine. I know what triggers them now, and staying up til six drinking and neglecting sleep is one of them. It came on as I fell asleep on Sunday night, so I woke up feeling shitty. I discovered the cure for migraines. It is not drugs or alcohol or gettin it on with your lady. It is Nickelodeon. More specifically, a program called Oswald.

According to my sister’s kids, this is a “baby’s” show. Nonsense. I turned this show on at nine thirty a.m. as I woke up, and I have never felt better. He was so calm and nice to all of the other cartoon characters, it really put me at ease. Next time you call in sick, turn him on, you won’t be disappointed. Here is a photo of him. He is an octopus.

By the way, I went 6-7 thursday night during our softball double header, with a walk, 5 runs, and a home run. Also I won the coveted “yellow ball” award for making the year’s best play in the field. I am outta here, time for bed.

So Long.

dave

long time no email

Hey Gays!

I know it has been a while since I dropped you all a line, so I figured I was overdue. Just a little reminder to everyone, Los Straitjackets is playing 2 shows today (tuesday) for free downtown. At 12 noon or at 7:30 pm you can catch these wacky musicians downtown for Rainbow Summer. I have to play basketball tomorrow night, however I will be there for the noon show. If you can make it I will make it worth the trip. You see, for those of you who have never seen the band or have never heard of them, they all wear mexican wrestling masks, and play instrumental surf guitar music, kind of like the old Dick Dale stuff. Well, it just so happens that I also have a mexican wrestling mask, I plan on wearing it tomorrow for the show, along with my plain black shirt, which they often wear. I plan on getting my photo taken with them. You should be able to see them in the photo I pasted on this email. I don’t want this email to be too long so I will catch up with you rods after the show. See you there!