I am back

What up rods?

As unfortunate as it is, I am back safe and sound in the usa. Not much has changed since I've been gone, except the weather is much colder and I no longer have a DVD player, DVDs or a camcorder. Yes, I was burglarized while I was gone by some assholes. BY THE WAY, JOHN AND STEVE DO NOT TELL MOM BECAUSE SHE WILL FLIP. These theives escaped with my entire DVD collection, most of which were gifts, including the Planet of the Apes 6 disc collection given to me by my dear brother John. DVD donations are now being accepted.

Thank you for your support in getting me back from the airport. The best souvenir happened to be a Fidel Castro punching puppet. Since the person who picked me up was not on this email list, the souvenir went to my roommate for driving me to the airport. Sorry kids.

Since I never got around to emailing you full updates from europe, I think I will share a memory or two every now and then. Like this one, for example. While in Zurich, Switzerland, on Sunday night, we were looking for a bar with the Packer Game. We found a bar with the 3:00 game showing, but needed to find the noon game (Packers). So we inquired at the bar and found a bunch of other Americans seeking the same game. So about 8 of us hiked a few blocks away to find a particular bar. Upon locating it, we realized they were only showing the same game. So most of the group left, leaving just Me, Myron and a 35 year old pilot from Wyoming.

He bought us both a beer and we had a seat. When I learned our single serving friend was a pilot, I naturally had many questions. My first was "OK, just tell me the honest truth--how hard is it, really, to fly a plane?" To this he replied, after a brief pause "...........It is totally fucking easy man. It is so fucking easy. It is harder to drive a car than it is to fly a plane. Oh my god is it easy." We then got him to admit that often times the pilots will be reading the newspaper in the cockpit, with the pages spread out so none of them can see anything but newsprint. In addition he finds the new bars on the cockpit helpful because it keeps out terrorists and those pesky flight attendants as well.

So relax next time you are on a plane, because the pilots have it under control as they read their porn.

Have fun at work, and watch out, because I might be joining you in a few weeks.

dave

mama i'm coming home........

Hey pals, I am in Cologne, Germany tonight. It is 10:30pm on Tuesday night and i am here drinking a $1.50 kolsch beer and typing you a message. This town is pretty cool, it is unfortunate that we are leaving tomorrow morning. We are taking a train to Amsterdam, spending one last night there, then flying to london then back home.

This brings up my next point---getting home. I am flying into O'hare and I land there at 7:39 pm on thursday night. I am looking for volunteers to pick me up. The reward for picking me up is an unbelievable souvenir. If nobody volunteers I will be forced to ask my roommate andy for a ride. Then he gets the most awesome souvenir of all time. I will announce the prize when the volunteer comes forward.

Today, like I said, I was in cologne, germany, the place where cologne was invented. There is a building standing where the original scented water came from, and it still flows. However, the fountain is now surrounded by this expensive boutique selling expensive cologne. Me, myron and our single serving japanese friend maiko waited outside until 10 when it opened up. With my empty evian bottle in hand, we waited impatiently. We walked around the block and found the store open. The fountain was right in the door and running, so we stepped inside and I began to fill my bottle. When the bottle was filled 3/4 full with the watered-down beer color smelly liquid, this beast of a woman nearly attacked me. "DAS IS NICHT FUR FREI BLAH SHPRECHE BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ETC," she shouted at the top of her lungs. I looked at her in fear and poured the contents back out into the fountain. How the hell was I supposed to know I couldn't take a taste with me back home?

I realized later, after I was chased out of the building, and after myron and maiko got up off the ground from too much laughter, that they sell the stuff in bottles. It appears I was attempting to shoplift without knowing it.

I did have the last laugh. I got 7-9 drops of the juice still remaining in my evian bottle. I will return triumphantly to the u.s. to share the scent with all, unless it evaporates by then.

I am at my hostel now, and this is the only shitty computer. I can feel the others looking at me impatiently from behind my back. In other words, so long suckers.

dave

switzerland

Hello pals! I am in Swityerland right now. Normallz I would saz "switzerland" and "Normally," but the letters y and z are switched on all computers in germanz and in swityerland. so i am tired of correcting mzself so zou need to just deal with it.

So anzwazs, We are in Interlaken, Swityerland right now, have been for 3 dazs. We hadnät planned on coming here, but we heard good things. Everzone go to mapquest or pull out zour atlas to see where this place is. It is beautiful. Nestled up in the alps, and sandwiched between 2 huge lakes, Interlaken is a paradise. Zesterdaz we climbed a mountain. It took us over six hours to get to our destination. This mountain was actuallz featured in the 1967 James Bond film "For her majesty^s secret service" or something like that. it was great, we were up on top of this mountain above the clouds.

Todaz we rented scooters. i was cruising at about 60km per hour down narrow, winding mountain roads. We took those out about 40km awaz and went up to see this glacier which was stairs going up forever. mzron almost collapsed.

last night in mz hostel (bz the waz i am not capitaliying anzmore either since the shift button is in the wrong place) i was getting readz to go to bed around 1 30 or so, and i was reading a book in the stairwell. I overheard a lot. keep in mind there is this crowded dance club below mz hostel with mainlz 19 or 20 zear old kids in it. one girl who was being groped bz this scrub said "oh mz god zou guzs, this is the first time i have ever ever been drunk ever" just then one of her friends began vomiting on the floor. then thez laughed and he began vomiting again about 5 minutes later, after the scrub had attmepted to get some.

Right now i have to go because we have to go white water rafting in a river created bz waterfalls from the alps. did zou know zou can drink the water from the river plain? anzwazs, mz internet time is almost out. gotta go. bze.
dave

ich spreche deutsch

Greetings from Munich Germanz everyone!

I wish you all a happy and safe september 11th. Over here things are going well. Myron and I are taking a bike tour around the city tomorrow. Amsterdam really kicked our asses and we had to get out of there. Plenty of good things to report, but now it is almost 1 am and i need to get to bed. All this german beer is making me tired.

Later,
Dave

Ocean

Hey Gays!

So I am in Amsterdam now, have been for 2 days. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about Amsterdam? If you are anything like me, you think of Billy Ocean.

That is exactly what we heard being played at the local “coffee shop” we stopped at. It was his top ten hit “Suddenly.” This place played nothing but great similar hits.

Later that night we went to a tiny pub just off the red light district. I just wanted to get my first beer of the trip so it looked sufficient. We got in, got belly-up to the bar and drank a tasty guiness as we discussed our walk through hooker land.

There were a few interesting/creepy blokes in this bar. It was obviously locals besides us. Half way through my Guiness, this extremely drunk guy was kicked out. He was slow talking, or slurring I should say. He kept muttering something about how the bartender with a stupid mustache was living with “Tim” and kept acusing him of being gay. Then he tried talking to Myron and I, then the bartender came around and escorted the man out. Myron had moved a few bar stools down to get out of the way of the possible confrontation, so this opened up some space between us.

The bartender took full advantage of the space. He decided to sit next to me, very close and strike up a conversation with his so-so english skills. Mind you he never paid a second of attention to MYron. As I was trying to get out of this creepy conversation, I noticed the decorations on the wall. One photo in particular caught my eye. It was the dumb-mustached bartender dressed as a scantily clad woman. Next to this photo was other crossdressing photos, and gay bondage pictures and some kind of leather and chains wearing, village people looking men. As I took another look around the bar I saw a huge bell with a huge dildo as the part that rings against the bell.

Eventually the bartender got distracted by another of his friends and I got to escape. As I finished my second Guinness, I informed Myron of my suspicion. He was unsure until we left. Once he saw the other establishments around, he was convinced. The one good thing about the place, besides the Guinness, was that they played the power of love by Huey Lewis. Then they played Tina Turner.

By the way our hostel last night was in the red light district and was a shit hole, but there was a bar across the street called “dirty dick’s” and another called “cockring.” We didn’t have a chance to get there.

I am finally not jetlagged so tonight, friday night should be great fun. Also, we found a bar that is showing the Packer game on sunday night at 6 over here, so that should be fun.

So long, Suckers


dave

fish n chips

Hello kids.

I am in London. I am quite near Notting Hill actually. My flight went pretty well except for the infant sitting right behind me that screamed bloody murder for 6 hours straight. I couldn’t physically do that for 6 hours, I can’t comprehend how this tiny child of 6 months could have that kind of stamina without falling asleep.

The parents had a great strategy to shut this damn thing up—they shhhhhh-ed the kid. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think I learned what shhhhhhh meant until at least 5 years old. Telling a screaming baby to shhhhh was not the answer. Strangulation maybe, but not shhhhhhing.

So we got to London feeling pretty good. That was, until I nearly was killed. Myron and our single-serving friend Cristina saved my life. Somehow, in the midst of all my jetlag, I began crossing the street without looking both ways when a truck came barrelling at me. Myron and our single-serving friend screamed like 6 month old babies on an 8 hour flight to London for me to get out of the way, and I survived to tell the tale.

Later we were walking like zombies around Chinatown and we saw a man attacking a parking checking cop. This crazed foreigner (even more foreign than us) was verbally assaulting this cop with every known curse word, and some that I just learned. Then he made a fist and gave the cop a “two for flinching” type of fake punch, then proceeded to knock the man’s cool hat off and push him. If it were not for this nimrod’s caring family, entertaining fisticuffs would have ensued.

Right now we are trying to find a way to Amsterdam for tomorrow. And I am very fucking tired and hungry. It is 6:24 pm here and you gays are enjoying your lunch break at work . needless to say my body is confused and needs rest.

so long from LONDON.

DG

so long suckers

Guten Tag freunds, it is Monday night and I am just finishing up my packing for the big trip. I leave tomorrow from O’Hare at noon. My bag is getting heavy, however. You’d be surprised how much porno weighs.

I will update you gays often, whether you like it or not, from all over Europe. Have fun while I am gone and try not to miss me too much.

Bye.

Dave